Thursday, August 5, 2010


Finally feeling better today...not physically but emotionally. It has been a rough week...I have been over-reacting to what seems like everything. I've realized my reactions were over the top but not known why. Yesterday I had to take Dipstick to registration - had spent hours trying to make sure I had all the registration paperwork printed off the computer. We got there and I was missing 2 key pages so we ended up having to go the "slow" routine (not that having the pages done was that much faster as one still had to go through all the lines!) I confess I lost it...not shouting and yelling lost it but lost it none the less. Finally when I was in the restroom calming down it dawned on Mike and I would have been celebrating our 21 yr wedding anniversary. As soon as I acknowledged that and accepted that the grief would still hit at times...even after 7 1/2 yrs and being happily remarried, I started to calm down.

Talking to a dear friend on the phone this morning...who has also lost a husband to cancer and is remarried...she admitted she struggled extra this year as well. She pointed out that we thought God's plan was for us to be married to our first husbands for our lifetime - that we would grow old together and it didn't work out that way. Of course the grief will be there at times. (And in B's case he will still face grief on his loss as well). To further add to that...B has had some medical tests recently that could have revealed life-changing health issues and the questions...admitted or not would have been there.

This explains to me also the intense "grief" I felt at having confirmed that I would not be taking "my" elementary kids all the way to school this year. I will be finished with my bus route at the middle school in the mornings - the elementary kids will transfer to another bus. I've had these kids for 3 years now and will miss the time I got to spend visiting with them in the mornings. Those times were occasionally challenging but it was often those times that I had the chance to let a child know I saw they had had a difficult morning and try to encourage them.

So all that to's been a rough week emotionally. Today I feel like I see light again.


Dawn said...

Thank you for coming over today for a visit and the encouraging words. I am always so glad to have a new blog friend. Please come back!

I was touched by your post today and am glad that you're feeling better. I have not been through any of your specific trials, but have had serious stuff with our kids that is like a "death of dreams" - and involves mourning at times. We'll hopefully get to know each other better.

I am wondering where in Africa you were an MK, and with what denomination or organization. My DIL is from Kenya. My two uncles were missionaries for many years. One just went to heaven 3 weeks ago and I blogged about him a few posts back - you might enjoy that one.

Have a better day!

Dawn said...

My daughter-in-law is Kenyan, from Mombasa. She went to Africa Nazarene University and my son went there for a semester. She became his Swahili tutor, then much much more. Obviously.

My uncles that I blogged about recently were both out with SIM - the one who just died was in Upper Volta, which became Burkana Faso.