Alone

Today I feel very alone - the friend I often have breakfast with on Friday mornings is not available this morning and it seems like a long time since I’ve seen her. So I came home after bus route. I have plenty to do so that’s not the issue. Still grieving the loss of my closest friend in this area - stuff happened several months ago and our relationship will never be the same. It may not have been a “healthy” relationship but it was still one I could depend on to be a certain way - and she was someone I could call most anytime and chat about stuff - or listen to her stuff at least. Either way…I’m feeling alone.

Friends have been difficult for me - I’ve not ever had a “best friend” overall. I have “best friends” in whatever location I’m in at that time. As I’ve gotten older I’ve called them “closest friend” instead of best friend simply because best friend didn’t seem to fit. Maybe it’s semantics. But since the loss of that friendship I no longer have a “closest friend” - am working to build others but don’t see any getting that close. There is just no common bonds like what we had.

Some of my struggle with this is that I learned at a very very early age to stand alone - I left for boarding school in the middle of 2nd grade. I came in different from the beginning - had a cast and broken elbow complete with pins. Then coming in in the middle of the year…I developed early physically which resulted in the other girls in the dorm making fun of me. That wasn’t helped by the fact I still had to bathe with the girls who were not developed. Along with the physical development came an interest in boys who were definitely NOT interested in a girl as young as I was. At the age I was girls and boys still saw each other as having cooties. Of course, my crushes at the time were on boys older than me. On top of all that - I definitely hadn’t grown into my height - was all tangled limbs. All of that meant I didn’t fit in then - and I still struggle to find a place where I “fit”.

I learned to stand alone at my second boarding school in a new country as well - this time due to bad knees and much time spend on crutches. For a time I asked for help carrying glasses of water, etc. But a roommate - thankfully don’t remember who - told me to do it myself and from that point on I attempted to do it myself. I remember crutching down the dorm hallways with a mug of water (hot? probably at times) trying not to spill it. I remember standing at the end of the food line in the dining hall hoping desperately someone would offer to carry my tray for me as I couldn’t ask for the help. And I was still different - I had crushes on boys older than myself - they never looked twice at me and I wouldn’t have had a clue what to do if they had.

That ability to stand on my own served me well with Mike’s cancer - the hours spend alone sitting in the hospital with him - trying ot get him to do his therapy, waiting in ER rooms, waiting in hospital rooms. Standing up to the nurses and doctors for his medication - you can’t decrease that like that - you will cause him to have more seizures! IF you are going to decrease that medication it HAS to be done slowly. Why are you giving him that? What does it do? This one is missing. That dose is too low. (All this was done without any medical training - it was just my experiences living with him)

Sept 11, 2001 he was in hospital - in rehab. I drove bus that morning and headed to the hospital afterwards. He refused to do any rehab that day - took the attacks on the US personally because they used “his” planes - he worked for American Airlines. The tv was on and I spent the day in his room trying to get him to do therapy and eat. His depression at that point only got worse. After he died in March 2003 I was “alone” again - thrust fully into the world of single parenting. Having the boys was a blessing - forced me to get up and keep going- forced me to stay strong. and I certainly didn’t do it alone - physically I was but I always had my underlying faith in God. But I also carried unexpressed emotions that I still can’t name. I struggled for years with attending church - if not for knowing the boys needed to be there I probably wouldn’t have gone. (Thankfully David especially at the time wanted to be there also).

Remarried again now I’m content in my marriage - I know what choice I made and while there are things I struggle with in my marriage I’m content with my choice overall.

The picture of the lone solitary tree in Africa with a single figure standing under it always resonates with me - in many ways it describes how I feel.

Life

I wrote this to publish it a couple days ago and thought I had.  

A lot has happened recently - some of it fun and some not.  It's been rather a roller coaster ride of emotions overall.

Gives an idea of how deep the snow was - looking southwest towards the chicken coop

10 days ago was a fun day.  I drove one of the buses going to the Shrine Circus.  It was the first time I've ever done this and I was nervous as it is a rather big deal.  But it turned out to be a lot of fun - our school district sent 5 buses total - 3 from the elementary school I drive for and 2 from the other one.  We loaded our 3 buses about 8:30 and then moved to a road just off the main east/west highway in the area.  We waited there about half an hour until we got word the buses from the school districts to the west were on the way.  (That wait was the most stressful part of the day as that was when the kids got restless - you can't load 40-50 students on a bus then have them sit for 30 minutes and expect them to stay reasonably quiet and still!)  We fell into line about the middle where there was a gap in buses.  By the time all the buses had joined the convoy we had 50 school buses, an ambulance, a wrecker and a spare bus.  (I never saw the end of the line).  We also had 29 police cars from a large number of different departments - I counted at least 5 different departments including state and county police.  It was amazing.  Buses all drove in the left lane with 4 way flashers on while the emergency vehicles were lights and sirens in the right lane.  Police cars would hopscotch ahead and block every single intersection so the buses simply kept moving - nothing stopped us.  We got to the edge of the "city" and merged onto the north south interstate highway.  Police cars blocked that traffic as well - we had the entire interstate to ourselves for the 2 mile or so stretch we were on it.  Then local city traffic was also stopped for the convoy until we were parked in the venue for the circus.  After the performance was over we were served packed lunches on the buses before we lined back up and reversed the process returning back to the schools.  While the driving was a bit more stressful it made for a memorable day.  I only wished I could have been in two places at one time so I could have got pictures.  (There were people lined up along the edge of the highway at different places taking pictures - I even saw one gentleman in the median in the middle.  I decided that if I wasn't driving this trip next year I would definitely be parked along the route someplace so I could take pictures).  It was also nice that the weather, while cold wasn't excessively so and wasn't snowy. 

The next day Hubby and I were in a convoy of a different sort - much more sad.  We attended the funeral of the son of one of his high school buddies.  He had committed suicide.  What made it so much more difficult than most funerals I've been to is that I felt that there was no hope given.  No mention of salvation or anything though there was plenty of Scripture read.   

Starting Saturday night through last evening we had snow falling.  Churches were canceled all over the area.  We ended up with between 12-14 inches at our house.  It started blowing and drifting after the snow stopped and we had another snow day today.  Squirrel and Dipstick both went out this afternoon to sled with different friends.  Squirrel said the east west highway was still pretty bad this evening - traffic moving only about 30 mph.  Plows have been out all over but roads are still slick and snow-covered.  We are already on a delay for tomorrow morning - not sure we will actually go or not.  If we don't I'm certain I will need to get out tomorrow at some point.  I've been content to stay in so far.  

Yesterday morning one of Stretch's friends was killed in a rollover accident where they attend college.  Slick roads.  The campus is grieving.  Having said that they have the certain knowledge that they will see this young man again - he knew the Lord and sought to serve Him.  I met him once - he brought Stretch home for a weekend (that was cut short) his freshman year so he could attend a David Crowder concert.  Stretch was two weeks out from surgery to repair his broken leg.  His willingness to give up his time to do this was such a blessing.

My crazy cats sitting under the bird feeders

Snow Days

3rd snow day in a row.  I think most people will be very glad to get back to school and a regular schedule.  Last Wednesday we went on a 2 hour delay - the first of the year.  Thursday and Friday we closed - and we knew the night before.  That makes it really nice as the alarms don't have to go off (at least not as early).  Last night roads were bad - we had a skiff of ice before it started snowing.   However a delay wasn't called until this morning.  I was already headed for the bus to get it going when school was canceled for today.  Our road had not been plowed at all - probably about 3 inches to drive through in most areas.  The closest main road had been plowed and was somewhat slick but not terrible.  The next main road heading south was AWFUL as was the east/west highway.  I could have found a place to turn around but since I was halfway to the bus I figured I would go ahead and make sure it started so I didn't have to go back out later.  Squirrel is already climbing the walls though.

I have to say it is beautiful out - and not nearly as bitter cold as it was last week.  Overall I'm thankful for the snow as it makes things prettier out.  The white dusting on the trees and the silence as it comes down is so peaceful.

Today I'm hoping to finish a few things around the house - cleaning out the fridge is one.  I finally have my craft desk cleaned off and dusted.  A couple more piles there to sort through and it will be useable again.  (Piles are off to the sides but I would like them gone through first).  It would be nice if I had time to go through pictures on here but not sure if I will get to that or not.  Don't want to sit at the computer all day - it's in the darkest area of the main living area.