Grief

Grief seems to be a bigger issue today than normal...last Thursday I found out that a boy off my very first bus route for the current school district I work for had gone missing.  He had walked away from his home and not been heard from since.  Authorities were "very concerned" about his safety.  That evening I heard that his body had been found - he had committed suicide.  He was 19.  Even though I was not "friends" with him I was able to read his Facebook page - every tribute on there talked about how much he'd impacted those around him - made high school easier for others, always friendly, always smiling...I wonder how someone like that could not have one person he could go to for help.  I grieve - for a life cut short, for his sister who also rode my bus, for his older brother and for his parents.  And I grieve - while I know he occasionally attended church I don't know what his relationship with the Lord was.  It's not my place to judge but I hope that I will someday see him in heaven.  I wonder if I could have done more, impacted more - if he knew that bus driver who was so strict with all the students really did care about him.  I think about kids on my current bus route - many of whom are very anti-"christian" - some of whom are truly struggling and I wonder if there is more I can do beside be there to listen and to pray.  I wonder if they know that I really do care about them - I'm not strict just to be a "witch" but because I want them to be safe overall.

We are coming up to a year since Mom went home to heaven.  Much of my grieving for her was done before she died as she suffered through that illness - but still there is a loss.  I was out shopping one day last week and found a set of music cd's she would have loved.  I put them in the cart to consider purchasing and forgot about them until after I'd checked out.  Now I have to decide if I'm going to keep them or pass them on to someone else or what.  I miss her more as time goes on - especially when I think of a question or find something I really want to know her thoughts on.  Thankfully I have the assurance that I will someday see Mom again. 

In the last week we've lost 2 kittens - sounds like a "minor" loss.  But these were 2 of the 3 survivors from Oddball who was out of our first litter of kittens here in IN and they had been bottle-fed since she'd been killed in the road a week or so before I had knee surgery.  They were tame (almost to the point of being a nuisance) and loved to come in our feet, be petted and talked to.  It makes me sad and again I grieve.  If it weren't for major allergies and Hubby not being fond of the idea we would have in-door cats and I wouldn't face this as much.   But he is and we do and so we don't. 

I am thankful though that we didn't lose more than a few small tree limbs and 2 bird feeders during this latest storm.  Considering there were many tornadoes as a result of this storm we were blessed not to have damage.

I took this picture after the storm had gone through - taken facing west where the most of the weather comes from.  We continued to have major wind until very late into the night but no more strong rain.

Writing again...maybe

Feeling relieved this morning - have satisfied myself that if it's not already in my freezer or canned it's too late to do it this year.  There are still a HUGE amount of wild grapes I pass every day that I've been eying longingly.  However this morning I stopped and tried one - they are quite tart and a little off tasting as well as beginning to dry up.  So I concluded they are done.  Apples that are still on the trees are rather mushy - we've already had a couple of hard frosts.  So...the fruit is done.  And the garden has been done for awhile.  It's kind of a relief to know I can put the canning supplies away and start enjoying what is in the pantry.  Having said that I really stepped out of my comfort zone and tried some new things this year.  I did applesauce, apple butter, apple pie filling, grape jelly, grape juice, wild grape jelly, slice peaches, peach jam...those are all canned.  In the freezer are sliced apples, diced apples and grapes at least.  Oh yes - also raspberries and cherries.   And I canned raspberries as well...Not too much in the way of veggies except tomatoes - will have to rely on the grocery store for those at this point.  All the fruit was given to me or free for the picking.  I was abundantly blessed. 

I still feel that since the harvest was so abundant the winter may be quite a long one.  Have longed to find a persimmon to check to see what it predicts but don't know enough to recognize them on trees.  Even the farmers have commented on how excellent the harvest is. 

Now that the preserving is done, band is done (I drove the bus many Saturdays to competitions) and soccer is done I will be able focus on catching up around here...housework, bills, finishing ornaments for my route kids...scrapbooking, drawing...the list goes on.  Every Wednesday night I watch Little Bit and her baby brother (who needs a nickname) so their mom can finish up cosmetology school.  Other than that and the biweekly Sunday nights when I go to church life should slow down.  Just will need to be "strict" with myself and not spend all my "free" time on the computer.  I get to start walking for exercise again Monday - will be doing that at least 2 mornings a week.  It's a start.

The knee is about as good as it's going to get after surgery I think.  Still gets stiff easily and still catches some but not as bad.  And according to Hubby I'm walking better. 

I wanted to post some pictures but at the moment they are still on the phone so will have to wait. 

Well surgery did happen and it went well overall.  For the first time ever I did not get sick from the anesthesia at all.  I didn't wake up "well" according to Bruce but did wake up and make it home. The damage in the knee was worse than the doctor expected and surgery did take longer.  I'm looking at a knee replacement sooner rather than later.  That however will have to be done over a summer break when I can have a boy handy at home and don't have a job to worry about. 

I'm recovered to the point that I want to be doing and walking...not just sitting trying to entertain myself.  So today I'm grumpy I admit.  I have stuff to do but it's not convenient to get it and no one is around to help.

Guess I'd better post this and be done.  Maybe next time I will be more cheerful.

Feeling Stuck

Feeling stuck today.  My knees have always been an issue - way back to high school days.  I've not been able to drive a stick shift vehicle partly as a result of the knee issues as clutching was a challenge.  (Hubby would say it's also that I can't "hear" the engine when it's time to shift).  Either way...last spring I fell and ended up injured.  I have a torn meniscus now in the left knee that is scheduled to be "fixed" Wednesday morning.  Fixing basically involves going in, cutting out the torn portion and then smoothing/shaving off any rough edges of bone.  Then I will be on crutches for 5 days not allowed to put any weight on it.  We have the following Monday off for Labor Day so that means only 3 days off work if all goes as planned. 

However I pulled a "stupid" and have a severe case of poison ivy reaction - one friend told me I look like I've been beat-up.  My face is swollen and bright red, one eyelid is swollen...Usually when I get this reaction it requires steroids to treat it.  However having surgery scheduled for Wednesday may mean I can't take the steroids or have to reschedule the surgery.  I don't want the surgery but nor do I want to reschedule it. 

I'm waiting now for a call back from the surgeon's office to let me know what to do.  I also do have an appointment with my family doctor so I can at least get a prescription for the steroids.  In the meantime I'm also doing all the non-prescription and folklore type treatments I can...including taking an antihistamine that tends to make me a little sleepy every few hours.

Sorry this post isn't very positive - just needed to get stuff out there. 

Writing again...

It has been a coon's age since I've written.  What else is new in my life?  However, having said that, so much of what I've read and heard recently - in devotionals, blogs, and even our current sermon series at church is the importance of telling "our" stories and remembering what God has done in our lives.  While I certainly am not a writer and am not always good at remembering those things I am encouraged again to make writing more of a priority.  (I notice I wrote about this back in May of this year as well - wish I knew where the blog entry I wanted to link to was.  Yikes.) 

School has started back up again already.  I've had a really smooth start to the year in spite of the fact that my bus has been crowded in the mornings.  The "country" part of my route only has maybe 2 new students on it.  However when I get back to go through town my numbers easily triple in just 4 or 5 stops.  Most of the kids who challenged me so much last year are freshmen in high school now so I only have them on the bus for a very short time which means less time for them to challenge me and problems to arise.  Having said that I do have to watch for some inappropriate boy-girl interactions.  My afternoon route has more "new" students but is not nearly as crowded as it was last year and the year before.  That makes it nice.  I will still do a seating chart - it makes my life much easier and I don't tend to not realize someone is on that way.  Plus the kids seem to do better overall knowing they have a "reserved" seat each day.

Lately I've been busy with canning and freezing apples.  Was blessed with probably 4 bushels of "wild" un-sprayed granny smith type apples this month.  All I had to do was go help pick one afternoon.  A few were run through the dehydrator - I've decided in order for that to not be frustrating it would be nice to have more racks.  There are probably enough peeled and sliced in the freezer for 3 or 4 apple pies as well as a couple cups of chopped pieces for muffins, etc.  Then for the first time ever I did canned apple pie filling - got 5 qts of that and 13 pints of unsweetened applesauce as well as two batches of apple butter.  I've also canned tomatoes - would have liked to try drying a few of them as well but forgot in the rush to get them done.  Have 6 or 7 qts of sauce and probably 8 or 9 pints of diced tomatoes, mainly yellow ones.  Peaches are ready and I would like to do some of them.  And I really would like to go pick elderberries for jelly this week.  Earlier this year I canned and froze raspberries.

However the challenge at the moment is pain that has greatly increased over the past few days.  I'm not at all sure if it's simply that it really is increasing or the fact that I finally admitted that there was a problem in the knee and went to the doctor to confirm it means that I can no longer ignore or deny the pain.  Either way - I'm scheduled for knee surgery next Wednesday morning (week from tomorrow) to repair (cut out the torn part) my medial meniscus.  It is supposed to be an out-patient surgery where I'm home by mid-day and on crutches for the next 5 days.  If all goes as planned I should only have to take 3 days off work and be able to return after the long Labor Day weekend. 

I'm sure there was more I wanted to write about - need to update on the boys.  But it's time I got around for work this afternoon.  So that will have to wait.

Eventful Month

Robin's nest in Grandpa's bird house

Hard to believe it's been almost a month since I've written.  This summer has become crazy busy again.  Tonight my heart is heavy - so many hurting people.  Two girls off my bus route tried to run away today.  They were found safely but have accused their parents of abuse and as a result the girls are in the care of CPS while the parents are facing questions from the authorities.  I know the parents as well as the girls and don't for a minute believe the accusations.  However the questions still must be dealt with.  I can only imagine the emotional pain.  The aunt of one of my best friends had a stroke yesterday and while prognosis initially looked good things are grim tonight.  To make matters more stressful aunt was in town for the wedding of one of her niece's supposed to happen this Saturday.  Two boys that I've had on my bus in the past lost their grandfather this morning. 

Mike's brother D is still healing from his bicycle accident that he had last week.  He had stitches in his hip, has 2 broken bones in his hand, lots of road rash and possibly a broken rib.  He missed his grandfather's funeral this past Friday as a result of the accident.  Grandpa K was 97 - he lived a long life.  His health had been going downhill for several months and he'd been between rehab and hospital several times.  He broke his hip in rehab on a Friday night - had surgery to repair it Monday (10 days ago) and did well during surgery.  They were planning to send him back to rehab the end of last week.  He died on Tuesday.  The blessing was that up until just the past couple of weeks his mind was still sharp - he winked goodbye to his dear friend that afternoon. 

Squirrel and that old red plastic bat

Stretch, Squirrel and I took off last Thursday for TN so we could attend Grandpa's funeral.  It was a bittersweet trip - and fast.  When I told Squirrel last week about Grandpa having surgery he immediately started listing off his memories from when we'd visited - playing ball in the yard with the red plastic bat, riding the lawn mower, shucking corn...it was important we made the trip. I loved the place in TN - out in the country, beautiful view...that place will likely be sold now.  We were home by midnight on Saturday night as all 3 of us had responsibilities at church the next day.  Sunday evening D's wife La arrived at our place with her youngest son.  She spent the night so that Monday morning early (5:30ish) we could hit the road again to go meet the guy from the funeral home to bury Grandpa in OH. (We weren't sure he knew we were coming). I'd been to that cemetery when Grandma K died - 5 years ago I think - but didn't remember exactly how to find it.  We used maps on the phone and in the atlas to get close - then things started to look familiar.  After that it was pretty much by the seat of our pants.  We made it in time and spent about an hour and a half there - it was very interesting to talk to the guys who worked there.  Turns out the one had known Grandpa's sister's first husband.  From there it was back home so that La could be home to her place that night. 

While the weekend and Monday had their share of tears it also had times of laughter and fun.  On the way back from TN we were privileged to meet up with one of my very good friends from high school for a meal.  There was much laughter and talk there.  There was also much talk and laughter during the drive with La.  I'm definitely a country girl and my nephew is a city boy. 

Things don't look like they will slow down much over the next month.  Dad is coming down the end of next week and should be here for about two weeks.  Squirrel and I will meet him halfway so he doesn't have to drive the entire way down.  A week or so after he leaves J and her family will be in the area for about two weeks.  4H fair will be during that time so we will be busy - even though we don't have boys participating we are at the fairgrounds nearly every day for several hours at least.  In addition Squirrel has a summer class he is participating in that runs for 3 weeks in July as well as the two online classes he has to complete.  Additionally he is considering trying to make a college visit.  Stretch has his job on campus that has entered the busy time as well as messages to prepare.  Dipstick is working an average of 30 hours a week with his dad here in the shop at home. He's also got a couple of other temporary jobs to do.  I am just mom - trying to keep up with cooking, cleaning and working the garden at a friend's. 

Squirrel

Gospel Choir outfit at ISSMA

Today is Squirrel's birthday.  It is hard to believe he is already 17 and will be "leaving the nest" in two very very short years. 

Son

Wow - time has flown by.  You have experienced a lot in your short life - been protected by God in amazing ways, moved several times, grown and changed so much.  You were always the child that I figured would give me the most grey hair - you had no fear of results from your actions.  You were not supposed to be able to walk normally let alone run as a result of a knee infection when you were just an infant.  I remember putting you in your crib in that hospital room so I could say goodnight to your dad.  Just as a nurse walked into the room you pulled up for the first time since you'd gotten sick.  Her reaction was "he's not supposed to be able to do that".  Later you used to love to jump into the deep end of the pool at the apartment complex even though you couldn't swim yet - you trusted me to catch you then would scramble out the shallow end and toddle as fast as you could back to the deep end to do it again.  At about 2 years old after we'd moved into our house you fell off the edge of the car and bounced onto the concrete floor of the garage.  That required stitches in the center of your forehead to close the hole from the corner of the car door.  The "run to the er/doctor" falls stopped for awhile after that - until we moved from OK to IN.  Then you fell off the play-set at a local seasonal eatery - this time that was an ambulance ride to the ER.  You must have been 6 or 7. No stitches that time.   Probably your biggest, most traumatic fall happened when you were in 7th grade - resulting in a PICU stay of several days and of course an ambulance ride.  Amazingly you only ended up deaf in one ear as a result of that fall - it could have been so very much worse.  As a high school freshman you were out running one afternoon and managed to get your foot run over by a car.  Again that could have had such a different outcome - even though you still have occasional issues with that foot you can still run and play.  God has clearly been protecting you.  

You have experienced several moves - first at 3 weeks old moving from IL to OK.  Then a move from our original apartment there to the house closer to where dad worked.  Another major move to IN to get a fresh start and one more move to where we live now when I married again.  

You have always had a strong determined personality.  You wanted to go straight from being nursed to a sippy cup - at 6 months of age. Potty training was a trip - you refused until I bought you "big boy" unders - and wouldn't wear even training pants.  However as soon as I allowed you to wear your "Thomas the train" unders you trained.  You struggled with kindergarten but not academically - it was more dealing with your dad's illness and hospitalization.  You were definitely a "mama's boy".   You used to hate getting up in the morning - I remember walking to the bus early mornings carrying you because you didn't want to go - you meantime were hollering at the top of your lungs.  When I finally got you your own alarm clock and made you responsible for getting up on your own you did fine.  You wouldn't try new foods - at least not unless you had applesauce to dip it in.  Applesauce and pizza, applesauce and corn-dogs, applesauce and fish sticks.  You used it like other kids used ketchup.

Because of that strong personality discipline was a huge challenge for me - I believed in spanking and that was simply ineffective in your case.  I remember Awowe telling me not to bother - it just made you more stubborn.  I despaired of seeing you grow spiritually - you asked Jesus into your heart at a very young age while we were attending COTM.  But growth seemed like a long time coming.  I am so excited to see the spiritually strong young man you've become - you have a heart for God and a heart for others.  I am looking forward to seeing how God will lead you and use you - in whatever area of the world you end up.  

You have run for years - since you were in 3rd grade at least.  The past couple of years have been difficult for you in this area - the coach did not approve of you doing two sports and the team just didn't feel like a team.  However you stuck with it with a good attitude and learned from it and still managed to improve your times.  What is important is that you do your personal best in all you do.  
 
There is probably so much more to write about - but I probably need to stop for now.  Will end with a quote from a book we used to read together - "I'll love you forever, I'll like you for always.  As long as I'm living my baby you'll be".  (From Love You Forever by Robert Munsch).  

I love you!

Mom

PS You would far rather be behind the camera than in front of it...